part one

I have a desire to  heal myself from ‘mental illness’ at least that’s how ppl see me.

Their descriptions are pretty accurate, but I don’t think I’m ‘ill’ so much, I’m more ‘different and refuse to change’.

But my chronic depression I admit is very real to me and others. I’ve taken prescriptions in the past for things, and over time I’ve refused to take them, all except the anti-depressants, b/c they do nudge me into a happier mood that is hard to reach on my own.

They also give me patience, a clear mind, a calm temper, and it all goes a very long way with how I am as a parent, before them it helped me in my working life.

The past two days I’ve taken a half dose and I’m still clear minded,  patient, but I’ve spent time meditating, finding the path of least resistance, taking walks, etc.

Every holistic approach I can find. Even sleep schedules, diets, exercise, I’ve been trying these things all along.

Ive noticed this, yes the holistic approach helps, but it takes much more time, but it’s more satisfying.

When things are extra tough though, and my kids and family are also involved, I’d take the stupid pill for another day.

Two days now… but…


The overly offended

I’ll make this brief because there’s some music I’m craving to listen to. (And yes it’s Delta Rae again)

I’ve always hated how some people get all bent out of shape over holidays, as if they are something that’s mandatory for us all to conform to.

Since I’ve never fit in anywhere, all holidays make me a bit uncomfortable.

This year I’m thinking Halloween should be a family night, no gore, not costumes and sugar highs, wanna carve a pumpkin, sure, wanna have a fire, great, whatever fall activities that we can do.

Then I got to thinking how  absurd it is when people get all bent out of shape over Cristmas. Some people hate when they hear ‘happy holidays’ or when you write ‘x-mass’ because your “crossing Christ out”.

Non-sense, maybe I’m just considerate and a little lazy with my penmanship. I beleive in Jesus, I’m sure he was real, and I’m also sure he was a teacher.

I bet he’d rather be remembered for the things he did and who he was aside from a baby in the manger and a man being executed.

So, in addition to my change in Halloween, I’m considering celebrating  Hanukkah instead of Christmas.

I’ve never researched how biblical Hanukkah is, but  judaism in general has remained the same as it was in the Bible. Christmas on the other hand is nothing more than a pagan holiday that’s been adapted into Christianity, it has no biblical origins what’s so ever.

I guess that’s what really kills me. If so called ‘Christians’ (and I have nothing against the Christian faith in general) want to be correct, they’d stay far away from Christmas.

But whatever. For now I’ll wish you a happy fall, a happy winter, and a happy whatever Holliday you want to celebrate.



My reading list, since I can’t seem to do anything else

Another book done. “Seth Speaks” by Jane Roberts.

I’d say I really got about 50% of it, and the rest was gone before it had a chance to settle in.

But it’s one of those books you come back to every so often.

Ive been feeling like my options in life have been stripped away lately. Simple things seem impossible.

So, the next book I’m going to read is “Hells Angels- A Strange And Terrible Saga” by Hunter S. Thompson.

He had intended to be a journalist, but always ended up writing his observations of people instead. We’ll see if it’s any good.

Then “Treasure Island” followed by “The Untold Story of Treasure Island”

Anyways, I’m going outside to work on the pig pen (an ongoing project that has no end) while the kids probably rip apart the house. I don’t know else to do.

Rotating things in life

Usually I have a lot to say about the seasons changing, especially fall and summer.

For whatever reason I’ve barely noticed either one.

The writing part on me likes to take off from time to time, maybe to do something more important.

There must be a reason.

The winter before last I did this same thing, so much the same only now a little more carefree and happy now. I was lost then.

I kept having a hard time with my normal schedule, my house was a pain, but I was mostly zoned out, and reading.

(that part was doing exceptionally well)

I read ‘White Fang’, I read all the ‘Miss Peregrine’ books. I read ‘Paper Towns’ too, and I’m probably forgetting a ton, this is just what stuck.

Oh, and the ‘Divergent’ books, I think I was on a quest to catch up with everything that has come the past 5 or 6 years. (White Fang being the exception, just one of my old favorites)

Anyways, just something I’ve noticed, and maybe other ppl are going through it too. I don’t know really, but things tend to happen omg clumps of people.

Good Night


Building plans


I’ve been drawing building plans a lot lately. I’ve always enjoyed making drawings of ideas for my house in a design way of thinking, but not technical.

Now I’ve started planning how it will actually come together, piece by piece, also the cost.

I feel like I’m getting good at this.

I really want the challenge of designing a mobile home. Not a double wide, just that typical single wide trailer you might find in any trailer park.

I’d like a vintage one, maybe from the 40’s-70’s. I’d have to get in there to see what I have to work with, but I’ve always hated that long skinny dark hallway.

I’d keep the exterior looking like the original, not hiding what it is, but surprising anyone who dares to enter. I’d eliminate that horrible hallway one way or another!

but that’s all for now


This is my office job

I’ve been reading a lot lately, I found an explanation, one of those hard to understand completely. I’m just going to list the main points.

1. Time is an illusion, so is our reality.

2. We have more than 5 senses. Those five are just what we use the most. If you can block them out for a moment you can start to feel the others kick in.

3. There is no time, it’s just how we comprehend things, how we measure them, but the past, present, and future are just all happening at once.

4. Our thoughts can create and shift physical things.

5. That feeling of not being able to make up your mind. Maybe both choices are equally good or bad, thats because we’ve probably picked them both in different realities.

So, some of its newer to me, most of I’ve heard put in other words, or I’ve thought about things in a similar way already.

Sometimes I picture myself as the collector of data. I file it into folders and fill up the cabinets, but sometimes my desk gets messy with the data that I don’t know where to file it.

And so at times I take a break, sometimes a vacation. But I always come back to work. I might take a “sick day” tomorrow.

Really hard night

Here is what hit me so hard that I basically had an emotional break down.

Delta Rae; my favorite band thus far, they have lifted me from the depths of hell, they have breathed new life into my being.

and I am in love with every member of that band; like I know them personally.

Then they preform at a semi okay bar about 20 min. Away. Only they go on at 5 and I am stuck in stand still traffic.

i drove like an absolute maniac b/c I truely believed this was my time to meet with them.

I entered as they sang ‘a long and happy life’ (gives me hope) then the K99 dj announced that they only had time for the meet and greet winners b/c they had a plain to catch.

I stared into those most beautiful faces only feet away from me. I’d reach out and touch one but I know that’s pretty creepy and unlike me.

So I retreated, not being in their meet and greet, and returned to the safety of my truck for a good 20 min. Break down.

I think it was the hope followed by my unimaginable let down.

However I did notice my girls Brittany and Liz were just as beautiful as ever. No, more beautiful than ever!

And I love them so much; it made sense to me, but other people couldn’t conceive what was wrong with me.

So I feel pretty stupid in my reactions, but I also kind of feel validated. They mean more to me than any other group of musicians.

An unspeakable name

I finished reading a good book last night. I’m afraid to mention who wrote it or who it’s about because last time I did someone told me to never mention that name again.

But I will say what it’s about, a father tells his own childhood story and examines both himself and his sons childhood to find some understanding or make sense out what happened.

He struggles to attach the fond memories of a happy son to the out of control circumstances of his adult son.

Yet, through everything he still maintains a loving connection to his son, always hopeful, always a father.

The book, in some way, seems to be asking the question; ‘does everyone have a dark side, is it contained in a persons dna, or an outside influence such as relationships or drug abuse?”

It leaves you to make your own conclusions, but not without giving  a grim warning that following the darkside can ultimately lead to a life, and those lives you influence, into the deepest depths of an unimaginable hellish existence.

I might come back to this topic one more time just to share some interesting quotes from the book.


Right now I wish I could put my feelings into simple words. I can’t.

Ive been hurt beyond belief, and it’s nobody’s fault.

But times like this; I’d rather be informed as to what’s going on because I’m not trying to effect the actions of others.

the possibility of holding anyone back hurts me, ill move with the motion forward, but please allow me the time to cry it all out when something really hits me hard.

Like the happiest of moments followed by the absolute most crushing of moments.

thats all



Gaining positive momentum with out over doing it

(Intro; if you’ve been reading my blog you can skip this part. From here on out I’m not explaining myself to in depth, the reason is that I’d rather the reader be able to get to the point quickly, so if you ever need some explanation don’t be afraid to ask)

Have you ever been working on a project, or focusing on some area of you life, on any topic, and your feeling good about it, so good you want to keep going on the subject even though your legs are getting tired and you should rest a while, or you know you should be sleeping but your mind is still on that thing that’s to good to let go of, even for a good nights rest?

And then, right before you cross that finish line you just crap out, because you simply can’t keep going on with this new thing.

Somehow you lost your momementum, your enthusiasm, and now you want to put it off, or maybe you face it as a chore now.

I’ve done this so many times!

I’m catching on now, I’m learning to stop and save it for later. This hasn’t been easy to learn really, it feels “bad” at first, like giving up ‘when the going gets tough’ or whatever way you think about it.

Even when we’re feeling great for the first time in a long time on a subject, it’s important to also back away from it momentarily, even if we’re full of the energy to see it through to the end.

That can be a trap sometimes, if your done before you know it, great, (I pat you on the back) but if your not done and feeling almost to the point of needing some rest then…. BY ALL MEANS TAKE THE REST!

Those are my words of wisdom for the night.