Me and my older brother grew up so close together people sometimes mistaked us for twins.

I remember being called his name, repeatedly, then they’d ask what’s wrong with me/him (I wouldn’t respond)

We heard sounds at night, they were mostly my parents talking, then fighting, but other times it was just complete silence and we’d here my dad pick up his keys and close the door behind him.

We always believed they only disagreed on bills and money, maybe we were naive and they had bigger problems?

Dad was the only person to pick up keys, Mom kept hers in a purse and wouldn’t even have keys in her hands until after she was sitting in the drivers seat.

But she never left home with out us, the few times she did I remember very clearly.

Im sure it’s similar to the way animals can identify footsteps and  interpret a persons motives by their vibrations.

IT IS CRAZY HOW IN TUNE ANIMALS ARE!!!! They are very sensitive.

The thing is, this happened more when my dad wasn’t there. The entire house should’ve been silent.

This has crept up on me off and on in my adult life. My brother has been the only person to understand b/c it happens to him also.

But it has taken a new form, and even Adam (who practically has faith in nothing) has brought it up late at night. (Later to dismiss it to some other natural phenomena that’s very unlikely)

My brother says it’s due to the (not so good)  origins of the faith we were brought up in.

Maybe, but I’m sure their are other possibilities.

I have a ringing in my ears- constantly. There’s a b flat, and a c natural playing in my head at all times. I don’t mind, occasionally I’ll even focus on it.

(A C sharp makes an appearance every once in a while)

Me and my brother used to call the notes “strings” and we wished somebody could cut them for us, so they’d stop playing in our ears.

Honestly, C natural and C sharp are not two notes I’d ever put together.

Ive always wondered what this is all about.

Thinking of it only brings more questions; so I have to stop.





Plain truth

I know a secret about life, it doesn’t matter if I tell you or not.

If you know it I need not say a word.

If it’s new, you won’t hear it. It will register as meaningless nonsense.

If it resonates, you knew it!

You just forgot, or been mislead; this journey can be long and tiresome, but it doesn’t have to be.

It works out if you allow it, but even if you don’t…

heres the secret; You can defy the law of attraction. 

It’s hard. I don’t recommend it, but it can be reassuring, and that helps a ton!

Our old story tellers

One reason we outdoor people love the woods is that it develops self-reliance and increases our self respect by increasing our ability to do things; we love the work, we love the hardship, we like to get out of sight, the same reasons boys love to camp.

-Daniel C. Beard

I paraphrased this quote from The Book of Camp-lure and Woodcraft. 

The book was published in 1920. I’ve read almost the whole thing, and will probably be finished reading it by tomorrow, but it’s one of those books that need to be re-visited every so often, so I’ll never be truely finished reading it.

It seems like every old book written about how to do things in the woods, to take care of yourself, how to survive were all written by the same character.

This characters intentions are to teach and pass on their knowledge, but for some reason they can’t teach you anything without first telling you a story.

The story will be long, full of comparisons, and life lessons, you probably can’t figure out where they’re going with it because it all leads to something very simple like a recipe for biscuits.

But that quote above about how nature teaches you self respect got me thinking.

I was planning of going for a hike at my normal hiking spot, but following an easy path that leads to a waterfall.

I need places like this to clear my mind and get my head on straight. It’s a rather reclusive part of my life that I’d rather only share with like minded individuals who have the same respect for nature at I do.

Our story-teller friend would be one of those people. My 9 year son would be a ‘city boy’ in his long stories.

But the self respect thing… yesterday my son was suspended from school, so I scratch the hike from my agenda today.

As I was reading this morning I realized that hike was probably meant for him. Maybe gaining self respect is what he needs, and can a father really teach his son self respect?

I don’t think so, words don’t teach, life experience does.

It’s funny how things work out.


This video has sucked me in emotionally so many time. It’s pretty much a of declaration on love, my favorite band combined with a marriage proposal.

or it could be because I probably went 6 or 7 days before forcing myself to fill my prescription, emotional extremes happen around day 3 or 4 usually. But that’s a different topic.

It’s a nice reminder for me- of what life can offer when you let it in; this video, watch the girl fall, and then how Liz is pretty much the only person keeping the song together at the same time.

Shes a wonderful person, she’s got this ‘togetherness’ about her that keep fragmented moments in tact. That’s why I love her so much, and I realize that makes me seem like a creep, oh well, I’m just banking on the fact that she’s not reading my almost unheard of blog.



This is what two seconds of rough animation drawings look like.

If it weren’t for my excitement and anticipation it’d probably be a lot harder to do.

The outcome fuels me. It’s amazing to see it come together.

I especially love how our team has managed to stay so very true to the art form of animation, yeah we’re small and unheard of, but that’s not going to stop us from being amazing, far from it!

Our drive comes from being the underdogs. I can’t really go into it now, wouldn’t serve any purpose.

When you’re depleted of everything & left with this strangeness, like a solar flare, like a dying star, your going to go out with a bang no matter what, it’s just physics. Your star begains to shine, at least in your own eyes.


For now

I know what I want, I know what I have, and I am not uphappy with either of them.

By no means would I ever ask for everything all at once, the complications of getting it would be horrific.

I’d never intentionally cut myself off from what I want either, that would be horrific (although socially acceptable)

I want what I’m ready for.

I’m always getting ready for more, an endless outpouring of happiness and general well being.

There you have it.

Some won’t beleive it until it’s  said  read out loud.

Thats what I’m aiming for, that’s it.

Its just as simple or complicated as your making it out to be.

Worry not about me, worry not at all about anything because it really is all being taken care of.



The invisible locker again

I’ve had this  reoccurring dream that I’m in high school again and I’m completely forgetting things and messing things up.

Im sure it’s just one of those stress dreams, but sometimes it’s almost funny once I wake up.

This morning, after I messed up my whole school day in my dream, I went to my invisible locker and their was an old man standing right there where my locker is.

“This is awkward” I say to myself.

He asks “What are you doing?” as I began turning the dial to put in my combination.

“Just getting into my locker” I say as if everything’s completely normal, then I have to use the lever that opens the door, and it’s in the same place as his mouth.

I open the door, which kind of unhinged his mouth a little and he starts to get really mad at me.

So I slam the door shut and he’s whole again. I breathe a sigh of relief and exit the building.

Now, I can’t remember if I took the bus to school, drove myself, or walked.

My theory

Early on (I think he was still a student)  Stephen Howking started to form his  theory of everything.

Yes, their is a movie by the same name.

Of course he’s figured out a lot, I think some people have even tried to find a mathematical equation for everything.

There are fascinating people with amazing abilities in their thinking.

I hope they do it out of interest and not an obligation to figure it all out.

I’ve been trying to take it easy on ‘figuring it out’ no matter what the subject is.

Maybe Im forming my own theory of everything?

And part of my theory is that we don’t have to explain everything.

Here i am

I’ve been watching WWII documentaries.

Why I subject myself to this? Really, I can’t put my finger on it.

I have learned I can only take so much before it’s time to stop, reflect, and bring myself back out of that dark and dirty place.

I don’t want it to stick with me, not like the two times I visited the  holocaust museum were it took over a week to bring my brain out of it.

Cruel and terrible don’t do it justice. Soldiers that liberated those camps, who had seen every bit of gore imaginable, still can’t come to terms with it.

So many parts of history I learn about, I want to do something there, to help the people, but it’s long past.

Ive always felt my past lives  include war times, perhaps some part of me was there to help, I know my temperament for injustice pretty well, it doesn’t serve me to well, but hopefully it’s some other folks along the way.

magical dreams

I’m writing with my best friend/dog curled up in my lap. She’s adorable in every way.

I own this quilt full of holes and patches…


It looks great in this picture.

The childhood blanket I kept for so long.

It’s fascinating with the stitches done by hand. Where it came from and who made it have never mattered to me.

I became the guardian or protector of this thing.

A relic of my past.

I’ve been thinking about cutting it into 3rds.

One for me, one for Brodi, and one for Dalton, it’ll have to be mixed into 3 new quilts of course, and my portion will have to be worked into an even bigger blanket since I have to share with Adam.

A rather silly side note; me and Adam woke up in some magical cuddle position that neither one of us wanted to break.

Eventually I broke it to look after the little ones, but when I did I accidentally left behind the stuffed animal I was holding tight all night.

I have four of them, one big pig, one little pig, one big Mickey, and one little Micky.

When I really long for someone to hold but there’s no one, I’ll grab them.

I didn’t realize I did this, my grip was on the big pig until I jumped out of bed.

Adam said in a defeated voice;

“Really, you’ve been cuddling with him this whole time?”

I shrugged it off and went on…

Stuffed animals and magical blankets are what my dreams are made of.

Im no longer accepting anything less.

So there.